Guilt
by Dieformygoddamnship
Summary: Drabble-esque one shot. Light wins, but winning has consequences. (Oh wow, look how rubbish that summary is...)


**A/N: Spoilers for episode 25 of the anime. Seriously, I have decided to read fanfiction midway through watching a series and... bad things happened. This would be one such fic.**

* * *

As Light Yagami catches his foe before he can hit the ground of their headquarters, he is fighting off laughter. The unhinged, darkly unstoppable chuckle he seems to have developed since he decided against everything logical to bring his now-beloved notebook home with him. He forces it down, but allows himself the satisfaction of letting L – Ryuga, Ryuzaki, Kira's greatest enemy – know him for who he truly is.

L just stares back at him, ebony eyes so wide with shock. Though the expression itself has fled and is curiously replaced by deep understanding, a hint of arrogance and, above all, pity. Light feels the need to force L's eyes closed or maybe to bash the look from his useless, smug as all hell face! But if Light Yagami is anything, he is a professional. And an actor. A self-proclaimed brilliant one at that. So screw Ryuzaki with his "Have you ever told the truth" crap! Light does not _need _to be truthful, per say, he needs to be _right _and he needs to be on his toes every second otherwise – wait! Not anymore he doesn't. There is no L to listen to anymore, to get inside his head. His utopian world is going to come to fruition, now that his only true enemy is dead in his arms.

_There is time for celebrating later, _he thinks, _time for laughter and to bask in my accomplishment. Now is the time to sob and scream and use emotion to manipulate the others._

But Light is caught off guard, staring into those dark eyes as even the gratification of knowing he is right trickles from behind L's irises and slips out of sight. The brightness he has come to associate with the eccentric, brilliant detective fades in increments, and his eyelids slide to cover the glassy windows that displayed few of the complicated thoughts and, somewhere, emotions that ran chaotically through his mind.

The second the young man's eyes close completely for the last time, and his head slips back a fraction as if it was their joined gaze that had kept L propped up just so and every muscle in his body seems to unclench and the boy who believes he is god swears he can hear a whisper of a relieved sigh slip from between his dead enemies lips, Light Yagami freezes. His chest squeezes and his eyes widen fractionally and he looks down at L and thinks _but I'm not the one supposed to be having a heart attack here. _Logically, he knows he is simply shocked – just for a moment – that this is happening. His eyes prick with tears he had not invoked; his hands curl into fists where they hold L steady. There is a split second where all he can do is stare and wonder what on earth is happening to him. Where can he go from here? Now that the only person almost on the same plane of derangement as himself, the only person who had truly eased his boredom in a very long time, is gone.

If Light wants to be honest – which he doesn't, because honesty doesn't suit him anymore, he thinks in what one could consider a brief flash of lucidity – L was Kira's enemy, Ryuzaki was not Light Yagami's enemy. Ryuzaki was Light Yagami's only decent friend these days. What kind of asshole kills his only decent friend?

The rest of the taskforce is still staring at Light and his dead enemy and friend, and he knows that he should just kick straight into his act. He does, and the weird split second of negative emotions dissolves into a shadowy corner of his being. The place where he hears a little voice call out that Ryuk was right, and that he is truly rotten now, and if he continues he will be the only rotten person in his 'perfect world'. The little voice screams itself hoarse, shouting that Light Yagami would never have hurt so many people. That he wants to _help _not hinder as he is doing now. Light Yagami never would have taken the life of someone like Ryuzaki, hadn't his stint where he forfeited the Death Note proved this?

But the Kira part of Light, the persona he has solely become, dismisses the voice to the abyss at the back of his mind and chuckles to himself.

He has won.

Killed Ryuzaki and won. Taken Rem's Death Note and won. The taskforce no longer suspects Misa or himself and soon he will acquire the position of 'L'. His world is speeding towards him faster than he can believe. He claims his victory with no modesty; Light Yagami is the god of the new, unspoiled world! He is righteous! He is justice! He is both judge and executioner and he has _won_!

v_v

He cannot get Ryuzaki out of his head.

It is frustrating on the level where pre-notebook Light and the occasional comment from Ryuk or the taskforce or his father used to circulate like carrion birds with their keen eyes focused on a dying savannah creature. But Light as Kira was impervious to all of that, but he finds that he is not to Ryuzaki.

It started with the flash of guilt as he died in his arms, it continued when he went back to 'say his last goodbyes' after they had discovered Rem's remains.

When he glanced down at Ryuzaki, at his feathery, disarrayed hair, his chalky skin, all his features so familiar and so ridiculously still, he expected to feel something. All he felt was how disconcerting it was to see the young man so relaxed, all the stress and suspicion had drained out of him when his mind stopped being able to send his body messages. All of him just stopped.

But that's death, isn't it?

Light has come to appreciate death. He cares very little about where death takes a person; he just knows that once dead they can no longer impede his goal and his beautiful, perfect world with its unquestioning divine judgement.

Ryuzaki's death brings him no satisfaction. Not really. He is satisfied that he no longer has to deal with pesky L and his intelligent, unrelenting probing. His death does not really do anything to him, though. This confuses Light, and Light does not deal with confusion to well.

But L is gone, and when Light goes back to see the corpse that he once was, he leans down and brushes black hair from Ryuzaki's forehead, feels how cold his skin is, still rough like old leather but without its heat. Light checks for a pulse – just in case – and peels his eyelids up to check that all that is left are clouded over orbs, void of life or personality. He's dead, that is for sure. Light feels no guilt, and he feels vaguely bad that in the deep recesses of his being he just feels empty.

"You may have been right, Ryuzaki, but I still beat you," Light whispers, defiant, a twinge of pride and that is all.

No conscience to speak up – where is that annoying voice? Where are the carrion birds? His father, Ryuk, younger, weaker Light? – not the tiniest hint of remorse or anything else. Just Ryuzaki, somewhere in his head, telling him that is probably not a positive thing. Even after death he is trying to psychoanalyse him.

What kind of asshole attempts to psychoanalyse people from the grave? Light just can't get rid of him. He sure as hell _wants _to (he tells himself so, anyway).

Light takes L's hand, runs his thumb across his knuckles, "I actually thought I was going to miss you, just a bit, you know? Apparently not, though. Apparently you're still rattling around inside my head. You are probably proud of that, aren't you? That you did not truly lose, not with my own mind betraying me like this," a frustrated sigh, "By the way, when it comes to taking your position as L, I'll do justice by you. I can promise you that much. Otherwise, enjoy your peace. Enjoy my complete lack of it."

Maybe this is what it felt like to be in Ryuzaki's head; always double checking, second guessing, peering over his shoulder. Emotions pushed back to allow all the room needed just to think logically, as clearly as possible. Unwanted voices, sounds, specific memories of the past clinging and never leaving. Completely frustrated but also calm and accepting of that fact. Light does not think he will ever be able to sleep again, because the only time he is feeling anything but gratification and pride and vague irritation is when Ryuzaki's voice is in his mind. Then he just feels pissed off.

As he leaves, Light Yagami wonders if this is what it feels like to be a sociopath, a psychopath. Antisocial personality disorder, they call it now. No inner restrictions and the rest of the world is so used to everyone having those important barriers that they take them for granted. And the higher functioning ones… no one sees them coming.

He must admit that he expected to actually feel negative emotions over this – this especially – but nothing. And the voice in his head is just keeping him on his toes. Not even a sliver of doubt in any part of his mind. If anything he is glad he does not have to deal with that kind of thing anymore. He can strive for his goals, be justice without the itching moral questions that used to always hang just out of reach. They are gone, and Light believes he is finally here. Finally ready to be god.

* * *

**A/N: I don't even know anymore... I just needed to write something after finishing the anime and this happened. Honestly, I'm not sure how much of it makes sense so... my apologies. :/**

**Any thoughts?**


End file.
